WHAT WOMEN WANT is to have a casual crush

Why is having a crush so painful for me?

Within society, the picture of a crush has been painted as sweet. A cute, loving attraction you may have to a person in your class, a close friend, or someone you pass every Tuesday in the hall on the way to math class.

You are supposed to draw sweet doodles in your notebook of your names together, put some extra effort into your appearance on days you may see them, or think of them when you are listening to your favorite songs.

It adds excitement and charm to your life. It is fun and lighthearted and something that can ebb and flow and change with the seasons. 

For me, a crush is debilitating. 

My mind can not wander elsewhere. I can be doing anything - washing the dishes, changing into my pajamas, reading my book, eating a sandwich - and all I can think of is this: I wish this person could see me right now. 

Or I am wondering about what they are doing. Or I am replaying each and every conversation we have had. Or I am wondering if they are thinking of me, too. 

Sometimes, when my mind wants to be especially cruel, I just chant their name over and over and over again in my head. 

I can not live properly. 

And then, when I try to monitor myself, when I try to derail my thoughts on another path by taking specific measures, all it does is make it worse. Because then I get angry at myself for even having to do this, when all this is a minuscule, stupid, tiny little crush. 

So, as you may or may not be able to tell, I have a tiny crush. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s a crush yet. I just think this person is cute and nice, and funny. 

And I have been very against crushes now for a while, having not liked someone for over a year, as I know the torture it is on my conscious mind, and want to avoid it at all costs for self-preservation.

However, as it so often goes, I didn’t necessarily get to choose this attraction, both physically and mentally, and so I have been suffering through the past few days.

But, in the kitchen this morning, as I was making my breakfast and having these thoughts, for the first time, I asked myself why. 

Why was having a crush so historically painful for me? Why did I beat myself up so hard for wanting to be cute, for wanting to put in effort, or for thinking of them from time to time throughout my day?

I realized that I have become so emphatically distant from attraction, from liking someone, that I don’t even recognize the normality of it anymore.

If I truly liked someone, of course I would be thinking of them. Of course I would want to look prettier in their presence. If I weren’t doing these things, they would just be one of the other normal characters within my life. 

I realized I am allowed to have these thoughts, while also still pursuing my life and the things I like in it. I can read a book and think about my crush once or twice while doing it, without spiraling and beating myself up about it. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. 

This has freed me, in a sense. While I still struggle with some devastating effects of having a crush, just the mere act of allowing myself to go through these effects enlightens me.

Crushes are supposed to be fun. Right?

So this is me. Having fun. Having a crush and having fun. Will keep you updated on this. 

Best.

Tell me about your crush below. Or, better yet, tell me about your crazy experiences with your crush. Just tell me anything crush-related in general. Or don’t. Just write to me! (please).